Reality TV come on down.

I simply cannot begin to tell you how much I hate reality television...in all it's insidious, soul destroying forms.
I hate that it happens.
I hate that I have to hear about it from friends, I hate that there's nothing fucking else on because of it.

FFS - I know that Colin won the first Survivor, even though I never watched a split second of it. I couldn't pick the guy out from a line up of one.

I know that Ian Roberts can dance, I know that some fat blonde chick did the bum dance, and I know that some of my really good friends - people I respect in every other way, watch complete strangers clean their fucking teeth instead of getting on with their own lives!

Dear God.

I have some pretty terrible memories of being at work a few years back, when all this was at it's peak, or was it just in the days before people hadn't realised it was embarrassing to admit that they watch it?

But I can distinctly remember quite a few occasions when I would hear the girls discussing people in low voices, sounding deeply and genuinely concerned about their welfare.
Naturally, I would butt in to see who they were talking about (maybe it was a friend of mine or a patient) and to see if I could help, only to discover, to my horror, that they were discussing people they'd never met.

Imagine for just one second if even half of that collective concern generated globally over the years by reality TV shows, had been redirected towards people who actually needed it?
People you know.
Towards you?

How many times have viewers neglected to talk to the people who matter in their lives so that they could find out how much money some twat was going to make on his renovated house, or which dopey chick was going be chosen (don't start me) to marry (FFS) some guy the network picked out from agency promo shots and threw in a suit?

How do people think that's OK?

Did you hear about the Big Brother style show in the Netherlands where the prize was a donated healthy kidney for folks awaiting a transplant?

What can I possibly say about that?

It's all disgusting to me.

Aside from the social implications that I have observed, what about the knock on effect to the Television and Film Industries?

Have you wondered why they're now releasing perhaps two good movies a year now?
Why everything's a remake, a prequel, or something with no real story?
Why movies you thought were pretty lame are being heralded as genius?
Why special effects are in inverse proportion to story line?

Notice how the only good releases are lifted directly from novels?

Where are the writers?

Well, let's have a think about how the domination of reality TV might have affected you, had you been trying to make your way as a writer when reality TV reared it's ugly head.

Reality TV's a network's wet dream. A multiple billion dollar orgasm.

Imagine their corporate glee when along came a genre which required them to pay no actors, no writers, no special effects people, hardly any editors, and in many cases, provide no set, no costumes, no make-up...hmmmm...

Compare that to the production costs of a show like the Sopranos, where, by Season 5 or 6, James Gandolfini was able to command $1,000,000 per episode.
Sure he never did the bum dance, but some of us liked it anyway.

And then think about how much the sponsors of these reality shows might be willing to put up for the prize money, location, wardrobing etc, sparing the networks even these costs?

So now I'm trying not to weep as I conservatively calculate just how many opportunities for writers were lost over the last few years as a direct result of reality fucking TV.
Can you imagine how many great shows/films will never see the light of day because the minds capable of creating them were discarded and shut out during these years?

And what are these people doing for a living now instead?

Has anyone else noticed that there are a lot of interesting and witty waiters around these days?

So, next time you complain that there's nothing on at the movies, nothing good on TV, have a think about how this all came to be and why it is absolutely the fault of Colin from Survivor and every single one of you bastards who tuned in.

Thanks a lot.


PS Special mention to Andrew Denton, who quit his high paid, high profile breakfast radio gig because he resented having to keep up with reality TV to be on the ball.