Monday, March 31, 2008

Those fucking biscuits.

Yes, those.
You know the ones. I complain about them every year.
And then I make them with loving care anyway, just a few days before Christmas. A double batch, no less. And only because a triple batch won't fit into my favourite mixing bowl (from Mum's old 1970's Mix-Master).

And despite the fact that I read these ridiculous and charming measurements from a laminated, original hand written recipe of my Oma's, which clearly stipulates that I must bend said biscuits, I exercise my right not to do so with such a sense of joy and pride that I quite adore myself as I carefully place the lovely flat bastards into my lovely flat Tupperware container.

And why would I be such a belligerent cow?
Part of the reason I suspect, is that I am, after all, this woman's grand daughter. But that's a story for another day.

No, I'm misleading you.
Mostly I have a good reason for the things I do. And I will follow tradition to the letter if it suits me to do so.

The biggest word in the English language. ;O)

The true reason for my annual stubborn display of flat biscuits is the weather.
Actually, most people quickly figure out that meteorology is one topic which is able to make me so angry so quickly that my eyes spin around in my head and I'm unable to complete a sentence. And so, why wouldn't it affect my baking? Makes sense to me anyhow.

Lets' try and imagine the weather conditions, in particular, the relative humidity, around about December in, gee I dunno, how about Slovenia? Then lets' compare these to typical conditions in maybe Sydney, Australia.

Now, picture a bunch of biscuits which are kinda foamy and cakey -certainly not crisp or dry. Good. Now try to imagine what might happen if you lived in Australia, bent them all and stacked them on top of each other just like Pringles chips.

Yes, that's right, rather a delicious lump of Play Doh.

So, as it has been my responsibility and pleasure to make these biscuits each and every Christmas for almost 30 years now, I'm sure that you can get a pretty good feel for just how much I enjoyed being told (every year without fail) by atleast 1 uncle (who doesn't cook) that these fucking biscuits must be bent.

In fact, the last Christmas the Tischler family was gathered in it's entirety, my uncle held up perhaps his fourth or fifth biscuit and said for all to hear, " You know, if your grandmother was alive today...". Finally I could bear it no longer and interrupted him with, "... I could show her a thing or two by now".

Never had another word since, unless it was in thanks.

Anyway, here's the secret family recipe:

Anise Bogen (AKA Aniseed Bends hahaha pfffffft, not kidding)

  • 4 egg weight sugar (yes, you heard right)
  • 4 eggs
  • 3 egg weight plain flour (sifted...the only time I ever do this)

  • cream sugar and eggs until foamy
  • fold in sifted flour
  • drop spoonfuls on GLADBAKE covered trays, allowing plenty of room for spreading
  • sprinkle with aniseeds (mostly in the middle of the biscuit)
  • bake in a hot oven until pale golden brown
  • move entire baking paper sheet onto a rack to cool
  • best to remove the biscuits from the paper once cold

  • do not bend each biscuit individually over a rolling pin, unless you are a belligerent psycho or Slovenian hausfrau (Gretchen, you're excused, Cleveland is plenty cold)
Cripes, that's nothing like what I intended to talk about. LOL
Never mind.
Next time.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Viz gems

One day, I plan to own the perfect number plates...VIZ 666.
I can't be arsed thinking this morning, so I'm simply going to share a few gems from my beloved VIZ magazine.
Oh, hey look, a list...whaddya know.

  • Yesterday, whilst shopping at Tesco, I saw a sign which read "Mum of the Year 2006. Enter Your Mum Now!" I was so disgusted I vomited. Come on Tesco, clean up your act or get out of town. PS Would this have been better with a photo of the sign?

  • I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning "Do not use if seal is broken". As soon as I opened it, the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam?

  • To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.

And that's what comes from people (Adrian) leaving stuff lying around near the computer. Just be glad I didn't reach that centimetre further and grab Jeff's superannuation report instead.

Ho hum.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


I started working in health care at 15. Sick people have always been a big part of my life.

Not too long ago, I found an old pay slip in a book where I had been using it as a bookmark circa 1990.
$9.05 per hour. LOL
And for doing the most atrocious type of work possible. Caring for the broken living and eventually washing the dead bodies of women I'd grown to think of my Nanna's (I've had hundreds and they were all special).

Still working with the broken, but most days it's usually only the breaking whom I treat. Strange then that the worth of much easier work is so much more.

But finally, this very week in the planet's history, the universe has listened to my prayers (of sorts) and decided to pay me in fabric rather than dollars. There are a few of you who will comprehend my excitement and sense of triumph. Clair, I'm looking at you. ;O) haha

This, I feel, is how it should be. Does that make me a communist? Or just an idiot? Get your food and board for free and then just get paid in your own unique currency? Anyway, before I'm run away with by my utopian concepts, allow me to explain.

A few weeks ago, my stepmother's cousin asked me for help with a weird and debilitating health problem which she had been experiencing for many months. After many medical pokings and proddings, they diagnosed her with an "I don't know".

Of course, to a Naturopath, this diagnosis is simply a universal directive to bust out the homoeopathics. And this was done and posted just as soon as I'd actually remembered to do it.

So, around 3 weeks later, after the symptoms suddenly disappeared by 90%, I received in the mail a lovely thank you card plus payment in the form of a Spotlight voucher. LOL ;O)


Sir Thomas More, I salute you!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

And furthermore...

For those of you who had something to say about my hand cream collection...get this up ya...

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,eggs, bacon and spam.

So, apparently I'm SPAM.
And after just one blog, they felt the need to shut me down.
I cannot remember when I've been so flattered. It's all downhill from here.
In truth, I think they caught a whiff of my political and social edginess underneath it all and panicked.
So, before they do it again, I should offend as many people as possible and stick it to the MAN! God I hate that guy. I bet he's a Roosters supporter too.

Well now I've momentarily forgotten what I meant to rabbit (Up the Rabbitohs!) on about today.
Oh yes.
Third drawer.

This one is the business.

I'll go from the top of the pile down, which may or may not be chronological order.

  • Pink birthday card with cauliflower dog on it from Clair/girls
  • program/tickets Red and Green Ball 2004
  • my natal/astrological chart with print out x2 (?)
  • small orange drawstring bag with black cat motif made by Clair, filled with random nice messages
  • Jeff's chart
  • blank blue swirly notebook, purpose unknown
  • crumply paper, 1 sheet
  • 6 sheets paper with scrawly writing about a weird time a had spiritually a few years ago (probably what that book was for)
  • first 2 pages of something else I wrote a few years ago titled Guess what? yechhhhhhhhh
  • 2 pages of headings for Jeff's life story entitles C*** Bubblegum. Glancing over it, everything on it made me laugh out loud. I don't care what he says, chapter titles of "Mortein cures snoring" and "Pissing through the bricks" will still be delighting me in the afterlife. Get on with it son, you're killing me.
  • another birthday card from Clair and the girls, informing me that the sun shines out of my arse, complete with drawing... I really gotta get back on the treadmill.
  • Rabbitohs member card 2004...the good old days...
  • Rabbitohs Season ticket cards from 2006 and 2007
  • some green badge stating "Nuke the gay whales for Jesus"...has to be from Cath D
  • print outs of Adrian's 2 whole body aura scans of 1998 and 1999. What a difference a year makes ;O)
  • notebook with Jeff's stories fleshed out a little, in my handwriting. Get on with it son. FFS.
  • ticket stub to Charity Shield 2003
  • ticket stubs to Jack Johnson 2003, The White Stripes 2006, TOOL 2001.
  • hardback green tartan notebook...The Book of Zaps... pretty much determining a nasty experience in the afterlife for at least 3 of my readers. Never mind, we'll all be together.
  • whole body aura scan for me 1999, very green with a little yellow.
  • head shot aura pics for me 1996 x2, 1997, 2000, 2002. I'm never wearing a fringe again, I don't care how spiritually evolved it makes me look.
  • funeral card for Pete, my old schizophrenic patient whom I adored.
  • ticket stubs for Rabbitohs vs Warriors, vs Broncos 2003, vs Tigers 2003, vs Storm, vs Sharks, vs Cowboys, vs Dragons at SCG...all in the Corporate Whore days, thanks Jamie. :O) I still miss BOOing the Telstra table.
  • program for The Hollow Crown theatre thingo 2002, no way, that feels like last year
  • Opera Australia programs/tickets for La Boheme 2000, Figaro 2000, Figaro 2002, la Traviata 2002, la Traviata 2001, Cosi Fan Tutte 2001, Figaro 2004, Tosca 2005, Madame Butterfly 2006, Turandot 2007, The Pearl Fishers 2004, Don Giovanni 2003.
  • program for A Glass Onion (John Lennon) circa 2003/4
  • home made card from Stan featuring Peter Sellers/The Party motif. Excellent.
  • thank you letter from Rowan (future Australian rugby captain)
  • cassette featuring Stan on JJJ
  • birthday card from Rabbitohs captain, Peter Cusak, LOL, not cheesy at all.
  • after show pass to Donovan at the Enmore, thank you Max.
  • expired Driver's Licence 2005, saved because the pic was actually pretty good.
  • 1 orange texta
  • love note from Yasmin (neater writing than me even at age 5)
  • letter I wrote, addressed to "Fate" on behalf of Rabbitohs fans circa 2002-2004
  • letter Adrian wrote to Souths entitled "On Valentine's Day You Broke My Heart"
  • Outre Gallery "Beatsville" card
  • ticket stubs to World Sevens 2003
  • ticket stub to John Edward 2004
  • my family tree
  • program for Lila's Fine Arts Honours or Masters show
  • thank you card from Taryn for helping her after Bronte's birth (truthfully it's for going to Tamworth at all)
  • thank you card from one of Jeff's students for "teached me good English" also containing a promise of Kim-Chi which I never saw :O(
  • 101 more Souths tickets going back to 1998 vs Eels.
  • Vega allergy test including recommendation to avoid corn and egg LOL...done many years before I figured it out myself. I'm not cynical or stubborn though...
  • birthday card from me to Jeff, kept because I summed it all up for the first time in nearly 20 years.
  • 37 th birthday card from Jeff, addressing me as "Dear Bastard," and describing the Souths logo as "the mark of the Beast" :O) Who can resist that Sagittarian honesty?
  • birthday card from Adrian declaring that his life got better once I came along :O)
  • Sesame Street birthday card form the girls which I have also signed for myself :O)
Well, wasn't that awful?

And for those of you who are wondering why I skipped the second drawer, it is simply because it contains but 1 item.
hahahahaha, no.
Apparently I hid my red and green bunny ears in it once Jeff all but demanded an exorcism be performed on them. He believes that they are the sole reason for South Sydney's state of affairs during the last, well let's face it, 10 years even though I've only had them for 5 years.

Shhh, don't tell him I didn't chuck them. I'll pop them out when we're in the next GF. ;O)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Start as you mean to continue...

EXHIBIT A then I guess I should just launch into a variety of poorly formed complaints about things that don't seem to bother most people at all. No point pretending. ;O)

Nothing worse than first blogs, I say.
So I'll not be offering one. No explanation, no disclaimer, no commercial or educational value.

I begin instead with a full (and honest) inventory of the top drawer of my bedside table for no particular reason at all.

  • $2 book Pisces 2008 Guide from Go-Lo, astonishingly disappointing thus far
  • Collins Gem Guide to the Kings and Queens of England
  • Scratched CD titled "Hoopi Frood 06" which I'm too scared to listen to (although I am currently in training for that)
  • MP3 player with lime green earphones
  • lime green diary 2008 with first 2 weeks written in
  • 3D Dr. Suess book mark, intact
  • exactly 45 textas
  • bookmark from Adyar bookshop, chewed by cat
  • CD Mozart arias
  • Euro Travel diary, containing damning evidence and the backbone of many future blogs
  • pink noteblock - top page missing
  • 8 pens
  • Pisces Daily Horoscope 2007 - unnervingly accurate, hence the 2008 purchase and subsequent disappointment
  • old school camera
  • lime green bookmark with cats on it, tassel completely missing, ingested/chewed by cat
  • 2 rolls old school camera film
  • 2 "Opera Mania" CDs
  • ghastly religious looking Xmas card from student to Jeff from 2 years ago
  • 9 kinds of hand cream, full
  • CD wallet with my opera stuff in it
  • lime green cat collar, chewed
  • sad and neglected looking Walkman containing CD labeled "STUFF"
  • Pocket Guide to Budapest
  • Pocket Guide to Paris (later, later, I promise, OK?)
  • Pocket Guide to London - mangled and very well loved
  • aqua blue "Thumb Thing" - device to keep book pages open so you can read in bed, no honest
  • lime green fuzzy home made mobile phone sock, chewed, bell missing, possibly buried in the front garden by the Spider House
  • several bits of glitter, origin unknown
So, there you have it. A wander through my splinter wonderland. I got to blog and to contribute to greater domestic efficiency all at the same time. Blonde indeed.