And I'm not fussy, I'm particular.
Did you buy that?
No, I'm quite serious, I even willingly eat turnips. Raw turnips. Raw ginger too, but I don't want this to become about me bragging.
It's just that dodging corn (and it's 500 evil, invisible fractions), MSG, egg white, sugar and sometimes yeast is hard work.
It makes me appear very fussy indeed. Ironically, due to these allergies, I must often choose to eat things that don't especially appeal to me.
Such is life.
I always find it interesting to see what kind of foods people like to eat.
To see if they're adventurous or closed minded. Seduced by repetition or variety? Basic understanding of nutrition? Recipe follower? Free baller? Ritualistic? Emotional eater? Self control? Over indulger? Misinformed?
With the kind of work I do, it's rare that I don't encounter someone each day who intrigues me for one of the above reasons. Or worse. Far, far worse.
Sometimes I'm so shocked that I simply have to repeat the information offered in the hope of giving it time to sink in. Later, I need to mentally floss.
- You don't eat anything that's green? (How old are you?)
- White bread? (Hello?)
- You can't swallow tablets? (But huge lumps of bloody steak is OK? Phew! Had me worried.)
- You don't like food you have to chew? (FFS.)
- You've only eaten cabbage soup for a week now? (Are you possessed, insane, or just Serbian?)
- Steak every single night for the last ten years? (Enjoy having colonoscopies? Pervert.)
- Six sugars in your tea? (That'd have to taste much better than only five, hey?)
- Twenty four mugs of coffee a day? (I promise you I met this person. He didn't seem to be able to sleep...yep, I'm stumped too.)
- You're lactose intelligence? (I don't doubt it at all.)
- You think eggs are a dairy product? (What sort of cow is that?)
- You often eat a whole tin of condensed milk with a teaspoon? (Yep.)
- That's Coca Cola in your child's bottle? (Thank God! For a moment there I thought it was Pepsi!)
- No, rice is not made out of wheat. (In much the same way that cows are not made out of sheep.)
- Yes, fruit is a better choice for your child than donuts. (The child shot me such a look.)
- Your child will only eat chicken nuggets and drink chocolate milkshakes? (Who offered him those in the first place? Satan?)
- You don't eat breakfast, morning tea, lunch or afternoon tea, and you've never considered that your persistent abdominal pain may be hunger pains? (I want to hit you, you moron.)
If I ever suspect that the person I'm interrogating is telling pork pies as well as eating them, I always make a point of asking about their standard lunch.
Salad sandwich = bullshit.
Look, I've been to sandwich bars. I have never heard one of those being ordered. And I've loitered with intent, trying to see if I could match the person with the sandwich. I'm really very good at that.
Hey, maybe I should turn professional!
I'll tell you what's even more fun than playing Match the Sandwich.
I like to stand in line at Coles, examine the contents of people's trolleys and then play Guess the Allergy.
Wheat, wheat, dairy, sugar, yeast, wheat, sugar, sugar, dairy, dairy, wheat , wheat, cat food.
Oh wait, no, that last one's ours.
So, really what I do for a living may be classified as nutritional rubber necking.
Or anecdote collecting.
Meh, it's a crust.