Sunday, May 25, 2008

Kiss off.

I have so many issues around social kissing that I really don't know where to begin.

Obviously there are rules and stringent social expectations that I'm simply not privy to.
Seriously, I just don't have a clue what's going on when it starts up.
How does that happen to a child born of two European parents?
Never mind that, how is it still happening to a woman partnered into a decent sized Lebanese family these last nineteen years?
The mind boggles.

With this in mind, I'm sure that if you're able, you'll help me by setting me straight on a few basic points.
And please, speak slowly. I'm not only blonde on this subject, but truth be told, I have no real will to reform at all.
I just have to know, that's all.
I'm not planning on changing. Don't get excited. I would just like to be able to gauge exactly how much offense I'm causing so that I may enjoy it more completely. ;O)

So, here are some of the concerns I have in regards to this most unhygienic practice.

  • How many kisses do you actually need? Seriously, just from the perspective of efficiency alone, coming back for the second or third kiss is just wasteful. And awkward. I can't do it. I all but end up head butting people in my efforts to abort. Honestly, would you shake someone's hand three times?
  • Is there a kissing hierarchy? What is it? For God's sake, someone, tell me what it is! Must I start with the eldest person? What if I get that wrong? How rude. Isn't that worse than not kissing them at all? Too much pressure.
  • Do I start with the person I've known the longest?
  • Hello and goodbye?
  • Why can't I just kiss the people I like, when I like?
  • What happens if you kiss one person once, but the others twice, or even thrice? Is it competitive?
  • Can you kiss a whole room full of people, yet skip just that one person you've never seen before in your life?
  • How long after meeting someone do you need to start kissing them?
  • Why can't I just smile and wave?
  • Anyone except me remember stranger danger?
  • Is it really such a big deal if sometimes I kiss you and sometimes I don't?
Look, there's plenty more, but as usual, it's getting me all worked up and confused.
Rabid blonde deer in the headlights.

Anyway, don't tell me there aren't rules. There bloody well are so.
You all know them and I don't.

But I'll tell you this, I'm adding one of my own.
But I'm going to be decent enough to tell you what it is.

ONE!
YOU GET ONE!


Use it wisely and if you have a problem with it, kiss off.

2 comments:

clairbear said...

You'll kiss me as many times as I tell you too, damn you. Especially when we are in a bed with a mosquito net thingy over the top of it.

gretchenaro said...

mwah!

You have never once kissed me. *pouting*