Playing NOVA

Australia is home to a couple of very silly publications.

My personal fave is called NOVA...Australia's Holistic Journal...Keeping body and soul together.
My translation = taking the business of being a hippy way too seriously and hiding lots of seedy stuff behind a glittery shell of spirituality...

It's circulation (perpetration) is 142,000 copies each month.
Less the 30 or so we dump in the bin.
And the one I bring home to laugh at with the boys.
So... there are 141, 969 that I can't speak for.

At work, we "play Nova" every month by each grabbing a copy and retiring to our corners.
The first to find the worst, wins.

I always win. I have a good eye.

It's not so easy now that they've removed the personals though.
No more flexible, pranically charged Scorpio naturalists who are into tantric drumming and aroused by the smell of patchouli, but only looking to smell it on Libra cusp women. And only during a waxing moon phase. And only if it's on a Tuesday.

That guy made it way too easy anyway.

My fave win ever was courtesy of a full page ad, depicting a glorious pair of magnetic underpants.
Pretty good value at around $85 plus P&H... yes, I phoned. I had to know.

What I liked about them was that they looked something like gigantic Y-fronts, only uglier.
With a few sewn in pockets designed to house magnets which didn't really look much smaller than a Mars bar. Very comfortable.
Despite their appearance, the major caption on this article read, "INCREASE LIBIDO!"
Whereas, had I written the ad, I would have mustered all my honesty and written, "PASSION KILLERS!"

But enough about underpants.
If I don't stop here, I may go on forever.

This month, I've spotted a few things in Nova which I'd like to share with you.

Firstly, in the BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES section, it reads, and I'm not shitting you,

"WIN LOTTO!
I'm a pensioner playing Lotto for 14 years. Win approximately $11,000 per year. You can too!"

What else? Oh yes, you can do a course called "Animal Dreaming". Apparently they're the voice of Mother Earth and she is trying to tell us something through them.
Cripes, only this morning I heard Mother Nature coughing up a nasty fur ball in the kitchen then, which is a worry.

Aaaaaaaaaah, yes, here's a beauty.
Please note. This is NOT silly, deluded parents pretending that their poorly managed ADHD child is special.
It's not, OK?
And this appears as 1 of the only 2 POSITIONS VACANT in this newspaper.

"Soulful child carer required to care for and help nurture our "indigo child". Experience preferred though an openness to learn and experience the indigo wonderment is necessary. We ask God and our angels of light to protect and assist us all in fulfilling our requisite for an enlightened carer for our child. Newcastle area."

LOL, I've been to Newcastle.
I can indeed confirm that many people there are indeed, special.

The second position vacant in this enlightened rag reads "Sacred sexual healers wanted."
It seems they need spiritually minded ladies for something or other.
Go figure.

It seems that last weekend we missed "The Gathering of Great Women" and the opportunity to walk the sacred feminine geometry. Which seems a pity.

It also seems that Jesus and other various ascended masters were due to appear concurrently at upwards of 14 separate workshops last weekend in the western Sydney area alone.

And where was I? Drinking a soy decaf cappuccino somewhere. Oblivious.

But, you know, after flicking through this newspaper, I'm no longer comfortable now that I know how many people appear to be into tantra and awakening the sexuality of their soul.


Get a haircut, ya hippies!